Cedar Springs — It used to be that when Kiylee Gorter tried to envision the future, she couldn’t see much.
The Cedar Springs High School senior was a victim of abuse, and as a result of that abuse she experienced extreme depression that made it hard to focus on, or care about, school, friends, socializing or anything else.
She was convinced that it was pointless to have dreams or set goals, because she didn’t think she’d live to achieve them. She just kind of assumed that she would take her own life long before her high school graduation.
“I wasn’t actively trying to kill myself, but I was just so low, and in such a dark place, that I was like, ‘I’m never coming out of this,’” Kiylee said.
If you’d told that Kiylee, at that point in her life, that she’d soon not only graduate, but do it ahead of schedule, she wouldn’t have believed you.
But that’s what happened. In early May, weeks prior to commencement, Kiylee wrapped up the last of her high-school credits through MySchool@Kent and Kent Career Technical Center. She’s now on track to attend Northern Michigan University in the fall, with plans to study radiology.
‘… it’s my senior year, and it’s crazy to think that, like, three years ago, I thought I wouldn’t be here.’
— Kiylee Gorter, Cedar Springs High School senior
Her Struggle
When Kiylee was in middle school, her then-undiagnosed depression started to take its toll, manifesting in a variety of ways.
“I struggled a lot,” she said. “My mental health was terrible. I had a lot of problems with my parents, and I struggled really bad with self harm and not being (in class). … I had terrible grades.”
This continued throughout much of high school, too.
“I didn’t care about anything. In my mind, I thought, ‘I’m not going to be here for my senior year,’” Kiylee said. “Like, there was no point in even trying. I kind of fell into a really dark place that I told myself I was never getting out of.”
Kiylee’s family, friends and teachers knew something was wrong, and there were some attempts to intervene and find help.
At her mother’s request, she started seeing therapists, who diagnosed her depression. But Kiylee saw these professionals mostly to appease others; she said she was utterly unconvinced that they’d actually be able to help her, or that better times were ahead.
“I didn’t believe any of them,” Kiylee said. “I was basically just doing it because my mom was worried. I was like, ‘I’m not gonna make it much longer, so just do whatever makes Mom happy.’”
Things began to shift, though, when Kiylee started seeing Danielle Paoni, the high school counselor.
‘I Started Caring’
One of the key steps in Kiylee’s road to recovery was accepting the fact that others were there to help her. Something about Paoni’s approach inspired the senior’s confidence in her ability to take charge of and improve her life.
“Danielle is the only reason I’m alive right now,” Kiylee said. “She gave me so many resources and coping strategies. She taught me so much, so well, that I was able to take everything I learned in her office, out of her office, and do it by myself.”
Paoni taught Kiylee coping skills and tactics that yielded quick, tangible results: things like how to breathe while in the midst of a panic attack; how to use tactile sensation to ground herself and counteract feelings of dissociation; and how to use visual metaphors to express herself and her feelings, even when she didn’t have the words to do so.
It took a long time and a lot of hard work, but sometime in her junior year, Kiylee’s outlook changed.
“I started caring about school and caring about how I presented myself,” Kiylee said. “I was able to get myself out of such a dark place and realize that there’s so much I can do with my life.”
Her attendance improved, her grades went up, and she started forming new relationships and getting closer with her parents.
“Now it’s my senior year, and it’s crazy to think that, like, three years ago I thought I wouldn’t be here,” Kiylee said.
Looking Ahead
A turning point was when Kiylee started attending the Tech Center during her junior year. She took diagnostics and nurse tech classes in the healthcare program, and learned that she loved phlebotomy. Her coursework pointed her in the direction of the radiology program at Northern.
“It opened my eyes to stuff that I really enjoy, and it helped me find what I want to do,” Kiylee said of the Tech Center. “It also really helped with college, because college was really scary for me, and now I can’t wait to start my program.”
Spending her senior year online was also a big help, said Kiylee.
In addition to Paoni, Kiylee credits 10th-grade English teacher Peter Wurm with helping her “push through and not give up on school.”
Wurm said Kiylee was an exceptionally bright student who always had the drive and ambition to improve her life, even if she didn’t always know it.
“She had a great vision of what she wanted her life to be, and that was inspiring to see,” Wurm said. “I just tried to keep her positively focused.”
Kiylee is taking medication to treat her depression, and it’s helping. And, though she understandably chose not to disclose the specifics of the abuse she endured, she said she’s safe from it now.
Now, the student who once couldn’t envision a future for herself is diving headfirst into a promising one, and she couldn’t be more excited about it.
“I think I’m going to be OK,” the senior said.
Her advice to other young people who might be struggling? “Don’t give up. … And, it’s OK to get help.”
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